I wish I could be more like you sometimes .

Not drunk…I can do that myself fine.

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Okay, ANOTHER post in one day. It happens. Anyway, I was just thinking again. Nicole and I were talking on the phone about this last night even. Who I am today greatly effects who I am in the future, and it freaks me out.

I remember when I was in elementary school and the boy I had a crush on didn’t like me back, it was devastating. Now that I look back, it’s a bit humorous. But, I remember how my heart was so wrapped up in it back then. As Pond once told me, it’s a “non-issue” now.

Then I remember various other boyfriends between then and high school where I was so “devastated” by things they said, things they did..

I remember my freshman year I dated a kid named Jake that I had a thing for for a while. We had been friends, and had grown rather close at the time. We dated for a week, then for some reason I broke up with him and was “devastated” when he wouldn’t take me back. Now, I don’t even know where Jake is anymore. I never even think about him, really. Non-issue.

Then there was the guy I lost my virginity to. I was SO disappointed in the sex. I thought sex was terrible because of him. I was horrified when he cheated on me the SAME night he took my virginity. Even more horrified when he told me he didn’t want to date me anymore because he wanted to be with someone else. We had plans.. we had memories.. Now, I don’t even think about him either. Non-issue.

There was another kid, Bobby. We had great sex, and it was me who took his virginity. I broke up with him, and was “devastated” when he wouldn’t take me back. Now, non-issue.

There was Taylor.. we also had great sex. I was crushed when we broke up as well. We were going to get married.. lmao. Non-issue.

Then, there was the next one.. with the same name as the kid in elementary, and the same name as the virginity-taker. Him and I formed a great bond. The biggest bond I had ever formed with someone on that level. We had a child, and we lived together. Nearly four years of off-on drama bull-shit. But, I loved him. I still do have a love for him but it’s not the same. It has become a non-issue.

It makes me wonder where life is going to take me next. What my next things will be that I worry and stress about..that end up being things I don’t even think any more about. Don’t get me wrong, those things do impact my life but they will not always be there to worry about.

I used my love life as an example with the non issue thing, but really it’s more than that. School things, family things, etc. I really don’t know where I will be in five years, or even one. I just hope that I make some good choices and don’t stress too much on bullshit NON-ISSUEs. But, even if I do.. what does it matter in the end? By then my whole life will have just been a non-issue.

I had my first day of classes here today. We just went over the syllabus for each class and talked about what we’d be doing, policies, etc. It left a lot of time for unnecessary thought.

So many people in this world have a passion to do something. All these people with majors picked out and career goals for themselves, or at least an idea of what they want to do. I pretend I know what I want to do. To be honest, there is no career that I can think of that I really want to do. People have passions, and they say you should pick your career based off of what your passions in life are.

My passions in life are things that I can’t make a career out of.

I love pictures, but to be honest I’m pretty sure I would make a shitty photographer. I just don’t have that eye.. or the patience to learn how to do all the shit that goes with it. Manual settings, lighting, photoshop, etc. I also love being in pictures but I don’t have what it takes to be a professional model. Face it, I just don’t. I’m 5′1 which makes it a little limited already. I have mommy boobs and a bit of a mommy belly.. a mommy ass and thighs.. I’m not saying I have a bad body. I like my body. But, it’s not model material. I could do some modeling, yes. But not enough to make a career out of.

The one thing that I really have a passion in is something that I can’t make a career out of. Sex. I do not want to be a prostitute. I do not want to be a stripper (that would be a disaster.. I’m terribly klutzy) and I couldn’t deal with random people reaching up and groping me, etc. I don’t have the body to be a porn star, plus it wouldn’t last forever. I will get old someday. I have thought about being a sex therapist but when I looked into what it takes to become one, I quickly got rid of that idea. It takes a Therapy degree, then you have to go back and get special training to be a sex therapist. The second part would be fun, but I wouldn’t make it through the first part. I am not a stupid person, but I’m not good at school. I have tried to apply myself, but to be honest I just don’t have the ability to do some things. Such as papers more than five pages long. I wrote a paper once that was supposed to be ten and I got away with seven.. even though it was extra spaced, etc. I suck at long papers. In order to get a Master’s you have to write more than ten page papers.

I can continue doing cams, but I can’t do it forever… nobody wants to watch a woman on cam after a certain age. They want the young, perky, pretty ones.

I don’t know what to do with my life.

Also, while I’m on the topic of sex being my passion.. I’m a pervert. I cannot look at someone without thinking about what they enjoy, what their “oh” face looks like, how their sex life could be better, how it could be unique, what they look like naked, etc. My fifteen year old cousin even pointed out today that I’m a pervert because all of the songs I listen to involve sex. Ok, not all of them do.. but he has a good point. The ones on the radio that I turn up…usually involve sex.

That’s enough for now.

I’m going to go.

Got my hair colored again, and I trimmed it. I look like a beatnik. :O