..I guess you’re better then me….maybe you are just like all of them you get -got what you wanted or needed. I don’t care. I just …fuck you ! you do not deserve what I have to offer. Fuck you again…to bad it didn’t feel nifty
Today, I don’t know who I am. I haven’t. Will I? When? I feel so full of questions, and like the world only has so many answers.
I see all of these people that I was once standing next to and they’re getting married. Starting families. Getting careers. Bettering themselves. Becoming someone in this crazy world that we live in. I was going to get married. I chose sex and freedom.. and told him to fuck off. I had myself a little family. Now, I’ve dragged my son to the other side of the country and abandoned his father in Iowa. I was supposed to graduate college with my Associates degree and Drug/Alcohol counseling license at the end of last semester. I slept in most of the time, and partied my ass off every night. I had sex with a large amount of people. Everyone back home thinks I’m a whore. Some may think I’m cool, but that’s because I’m down to fuck.. right?
Notice I don’t get along with many females. Their gossip, their judgment, their “square” lifestyles. Is that what a woman is supposed to be? The ones whispering in the corner with our legs crossed and children running around?
I don’t want that. I used to, though. That’s what gets me. Am I changing for the better, or for the worse? Am I realizing what’s wrong with the world or am I just forming my own excuses for a bad lifestyle? OR am I becoming an ideal person? One who is strong enough to go against what society tells me to do.
I remember when all I wanted was a wedding and a family. I wanted to be a stay at home mommy or a teacher. I looked forward to it all. Three to four kids, an “average” lifestyle.
Now I find myself beating myself up for it. I should have waited to have L. I love him so much, but I don’t think I am what I need to be for him. I can’t bring myself to be it, either. And his dad.. well, his dad thinks I’m a piece of shit. However, he doesn’t live life much differently. He can keep his pants on though. I think.
I don’t know anything more. I suppose this is just the “growing up” crisis, right?
I remember when I was younger I thought that all the women who chose not to have a few kids were wasting their lives. They were ice cold bitches who would regret it someday. Now, I’m good with just one. I might want another one eventually…. someday.
I think, maybe, I’m too dependent upon other people. I judge my life based on everyone else’s. This is how they are living.. how does my life relate? What are they doing to make them happy? Would that make me happy?
I need to become me. What do I want out of my life?
I guess that’s all I really want. I guess the question is how do I get those things? In order to get a home, I need my career. In order to get a career I have to know what I want it to be. In order to get a partner… well, I don’t know. I don’t think it’s possible to be with me very long. I am unstable. I love, but I am mean. I help, but I destroy.. I don’t know. That’s a story for another day, I suppose.
And I guess happiness would come after I obtained all of those other things.
I’m scared of my future. Almost as much as I’m scared of the present.
And I’m afraid of hurting you.
An empty void filling itself in
Sucking it all in, sacrificing none
Am I to blame?
Is he to blame, not looking at you?
Throwing it at you instead of to you
Nothing I could fix
Not that I didn’t try
You were just another disposable
Never meant for more
Or maybe you were before
Beat you to a pulp, then expected praise
Youth as an excuse
Where should the apologies go?
Should have thrown the trash out
Instead we kept digging
No more shade, we begin to grow.
I can feel it. The warmth. The comfort. Everything to make me feel at home again. A new home where I am myself. Never needing to pretend or hide. Acceptance at its finest. Let me rest my tired head, and you can rest yours as well.
Listen. Beating a tune to fill the room. I can feel it. Relaxation fills me and I don’t feel the urgency of life anymore. All I can feel is time slowing to a halt. I want to stay in this moment forever.
And I’m not even there yet.
Photo by Barrett Bronsen
“San Antonio-
The scene was so gruesome investigators could barely speak: A 3 1/2 week old boy lay dismembered, three of his tiny toes chewed off, his face torn away, his head severed and his brains ripped out.
‘It’s too heinous for me to describe it any further,” Police Chief William McManus told reporters Monday.
Officers called to the home early Sunday found the boy’s mother, Otty Sanchez, 33, who apparently ate the child’s brain and some other body parts before stabbing herself, McManus said.
Sanchez is charged with capital murder in the death of her son, Scott Wesley Buccholtz-Sanchez. She was being treated Monday at a hospital and was being held on $1 million bail.”
