I feel like something’s not right about this.

This song gives me such good feelings… I feel so free listening to it……..

I’ve nearly stopped thinking of N. I never thought it would happen. I don’t know why, but it just seemed like he was my life for the rest of eternity.. maybe because that’s what I had been planning for the past four years. I feel this strange burst of freedom.. yet, I can feel myself floating through space.. looking for something new to orbit. I don’t quite know how to be on my own. I don’t know if that’s what I should do, or if I should give in to the gravitational pull. I can feel a rather strong pull… Does he know just what to say? Or does he mean it all? Do I even want that? He’s coming for me…

I know that there is someone I do want… and it is not him. This someone is back home with a life of his own. Yet, I can’t get him out of my head.

People call us renegades cuz we like livin’ crazy..

Maybe I’m just a delicious forbidden fruit. Maybe I really just don’t care.

I’ll just keep playing until he can join me.

I really don’t understand myself. I get my mind so set on things, and one minuscule thing can change everything. I was feeling so great… so sure of myself. But tonight I watched the movie He’s Just Not That Into You and there was my little trigger. Now, I’m in a shitty mood.. and nowhere near as optimistic as I was feeling. Maybe it was the movie combined with a lack of attention or something. I don’t get why I always need to feel admired in order to feel good about myself. That’s a sign of low self-esteem, isn’t it?

It’s crazy how I can look at other people’s lives and give them advice.. and understand everything about the situation but can’t do the same for myself. I have this crazy lack of confidence. The only time I feel confident is when someone is behind me holding me up. I need to be more independent. But, how the hell do I do that?

My thoughts get the best of me. I thought I was pushing him out of my head. I didn’t care that he has someone new, or that his life is going on without me. But, I’m so damn selfish that I can’t get over the fact that that’s true. It constantly creeps up on me. I’m trying to stop running from it.. trying to face it and get over it. Face your fears, right? Somehow that just feels like self-torture…which I’ve been told is one of my biggest problems. I don’t know what to do about that.

You know, as I was writing that I realized I have been to three therapists, and three psychiatrists. I can’t even commit to one of those. I always find myself acting like it’s a dentist appointment. “Do you brush your teeth twice a day?”

“Of course”

“Do you floss daily?”

“Yep.”

“Have you been down lately?”

“No! Been feeling great!”

I can’t seem to do anything to make myself better. Perhaps this self-torture thing is deeper than I thought. Or, perhaps I’m a bit like my hypochondriac father.

Maybe I’m completely sane and there is nothing wrong with me.

Why, then, do I feel so numb? Yet….. hurting?

I just lied to myself. I’m not numb all the time. I felt great yesterday. What’s up with these emotions and mood swings? Jesus christ.

This blog isn’t even going anywhere. I’m finished for the night. Whatever.

Life is not like the movies. Love will not be knocking at my front door tomorrow, the next day, or the next. I wish I could just accept these things, move on, and be happy with being alone.

I don’t have much to say.