The buzz of the dryer is calling me to give attention. Saptoe went running again, after sharing the morning with  sad manic eggs and toast. Connecting cycles together trying to find a common ground, a  self reflection of how things deserved to be, without being even and perfect. Not about me, but my emotions surrounding the issue at hand, anger and pity for the soul before me. Leaving me helpless for my gold friend, sap has been doing this for so long, forsaking lil bear even. Congruent to a crack pipe, I have seen other souls vend themselves. That thrown in there for guilt. What ever it takes to relieve you of this sick addiction you have. I ask you to take this gift of what ever wise rants I have left before I leave this world. Screaming “you matter” “you count” trying to be imperturbable for the gold to learn of it’s shine on its own. I want solace in knowing that the gold will stay a shape where it will fit in all the many shapes and sizes of holes that will come before it as it follows it’s hopes and dreams. Forward doesn’t include the bitter taste of this crazy useless drug. The Sap knows this, all to much better then anyone around it. Propulsive every which way trying to use the past to calculate the future is not working. Looking back over your shoulder for happiness can’t as easy as what lays before you. So why don’t you? Time to push the viruses out of the system. I see the pus and ooze regurgitating from the past taking you down the same path over and over. I can try to conduct this runaway train, but this gold is the only real engineer on this track.  What would you do if  I decided not to ride the train anymore? What if I got sick of the gruesome pile of mangled you at your own hand. What if everyone wrote the letter of off, leaving you alone to deal with that pile of excrement you keep rolling around in. Smelling like shit and shame in a pigpen of your 30′s,40′s, and so on. I’m starting to think you like it and not the color gold I thought I knew. Wondering how I think or how others think of you’re color? Tasting the asshole of Shittles by the handful, and still eating. Gorging on impurities and fake self centered minerals just out to complicate carets of pure  for their own needs and sick from the tit psychosis. Forswear the ones who want to cover the holes in you’re roof that will give you warmth and comfort that will last a lifetime. Limp as of late, fearful to fix a lie told once that even myself believed. Just a broken old weathered train car you still drag around and allow to be hooked to the shiny new ones. Its all about you and even in the end I have made it about me. Guess I’m no better then the self centered pus of an infection that won’t go away.

So much and so much more, only place I have for honest emotion anymore. The net connecting all thoughts and reflections.  The fail has a first name and its POND , the fail has a second name and its SCUM, my career is a dead horse I like to beat it everyday, and if you ask me I will saaay…PondScum has a way of fucking up his life yay, Phoenix was an epic fail, nothing but a waste of money, time and shame. Back home in the HA, R2 with welcome arms and tasks of good deeds. I like being needed by a person that is genuinely great full.  Jewbie was even glad to see me, I didn’t know. After tonight I see we both have an agenda of  like wise Im sure. I had forgotten, unable to speculate on the nature, but connected by ink till they of course will bury me first in the ground without fear. Knowing of these two different similar Siamese twins. Conjoined from begging to end, myself so proud of being brought in to share the dark scaring of organic celebration and long lost adopted sisterhood? Im huge with overwhelming win again. To big for my britches and the little one growing out her bubble shaped shell into the arms of a nice Bonsai tree more her mental equal and life wonderment. To see the sunrise with those 4 eyes would be sublime. I think this will stick for a long while as dolphins age.

The three spawn, are close and they are deserving of something, or am I being selfish, my head says better off without certainty. After time spent with thetomlette drawing each breath  like it was his own learning loving and with a ravenous need. My heart has drawn numerous conclusions my mind is  beating up. ATM numbness drips off me like sticky buns and cotton candy had a baby, a great robot once said “help me Obi One Kanobe”. Good thing her brother showed up to father a distraction of the painted WTF.

Where is the little one? Don’t you get it. You know what you have to do. I was really fucked up by the action from you of all people and yes I did bail on you, of all people you. In some respects I you are more pure then gold. Surprised me. Chilling in a stickam chat room for jugglas, drinking and smoking treez, but not being social. Got off work to a great par of awesome from my fav lette.

Working a JOB and its not killing me, not much to put down here till I get moved I cannot wait. MCL

Sitting in limbo in Kansas, I hate this fucking place, wtf is wrong with my family? They are so screwed the fuck up, and then act as if Im the one that has issues. I have about half of my cash needed to get on to Phoenix. I have a hard time expressing myself  here anymore, due to the fact I have to be so untrue to myself. Nothing is funny to me.  I feel like Im the only one that is considerate here. Then people have the balls to step on my nuts and flip judgment on my moral compass. fuck that and fuck you people.  Missing myself , not even sure who I am anymore on the real, gained so much weight I don’t even wanna have sex with anyone. Like that could even happen here. Fucking redneck slow witted fuckers everywhere I look. How do these people function , yet the do …what suck is Im the one who has problems assimilating getting a job. I used to think I was the problem, I know Im not. I  KNOW THIS.  I have a plan for my life, a code of conduct that is pure and righteous. Other people are not held to the same code, maybe thats what my issue is…I read this and see how confused this post is. Men forget how to ac like men, bitches acting like shit all over the place with their fucked up senses. Im starting to think women should start earning the right to have a vagina.

Here’s a strange turn of a events, the only person I seem to get and that gets me is my Ex’s girlfriend. Im gonna call her a he. He in his mind should be a guy and wants to be in his mind. He’s dealing with the same issues I did with that bitch, difference is I used to listen to her and allowed her to manipulate me. Those days are over for anyone involved with my life much less a fucking female. So did she make me a better man, I’d like to think I was  that better man when she met me and she broke me. I really thought she was a ride or die bitch, when in reality she was just  a selfish ignorant bitch like most of em.

Facebook relationships is really the only ones I have atm, most of that is in my head, whats easy is weeding out the dipshits pretty quick. if your too stupid to run a pc then in my mind your about useless. You got a virus? Really, how does that happen? You type all in caps wtf is wrong with you. Dropped off a bunch of fuckers associated with SKR, really a bunch of fakes. I hate people that act all tough and bad ass, so few real bad asses out there, the cops put most of the real bad asses in prison they don’t get left in the real world.  Some are just trouble in my head leaving me feel dirty, I know better then to surround myself with poison. Haha reminds me of this song by Brutha Lynch Hung…

… I have to protect myself in so many ways it seem. I’ve had so many people hate on me so much they want to take me down. Like that dipshit I was in jail with trying to pick a fight with me just so he can get a charge on me, like that cunt in the 303 trying to get me playing dirty with a minor. Im way smarter then all you fuckers and you cannot take me down. It’s burns my ass to look weak, but I keep my eye on the real shit, the plan, my future. I was moving forward now Im in limbo yet still working it out. Creating my fan base , I find it funny that they have no idea what my plan is…they come unsolicited  now, 20 to 30 a day now. Its all good, I have to give myself props for having the charisma to do have things that people promote their dicks off to get.

Rollargirl just messaged about how she misses me. She deserved much more out of life then she  has now. Glad to see M tha GQ with someone who loves her, Garrett is a good dude. J is so broken I couldn’t even fathom her in my life now. Feels like she has died to me. So many beds made with the inability with them to be made differently. I will never do that to myself, but I have remade myn so many times and won’t fall into the trap of not being able to find new ways to make it. I will allow myself to lay in this bed I have at the moment. Once I get a new bed to make it’s going to be my bed 100% and I won’t share it with anyone that cannot match the comforter.

contemplate the death of me, serious drops of failure and dysfunction killing me, writing pain so publicly, flawed with fuck ups secretly wishing you will pity me, a digital fallacy addicts me to its sin , my own sins of the father eating away within, you won’t,  they won’t, I won’t ever care enough to heal a sickness inside me, only trees blanket me with  intoxicating security, bonged up bravado caress my weakened capitulum, shards of thought glued together again and again, sick and old waiting for the end, where it begins, this last pilgrimage to find myself perfect space, the plan for egomaniacal Shangri-La muddled in sarcasm and wit, I never did fit, jagged pieces flesh not ever meant to be.today is what if, nothing , no cards showing.

the robots slightly medicated  gold clouded by her life. said my peace with half of A². 18 is a nifty age to be, and 8 is grand for the Tom Tom’s of the world. loving me just cause, me seeming to be a pitiless jester on his life. you didn’t do anything to deserve me, none of you did. im nobodies hero, soulless fuck skipping your blood with these feelings for her and not them. just as i type im fucking up, bad news bad news… dammit pond you were almost completely free of this emotion. i want these shoes, but they will fuck my feat up.one single bound, one click ,once again crushed. go ahead fucker put that heartsleave out for the same fucking chop chop. see thats why you abandoned this shit. baited breaths as the trainwreck relates the tracks of her arms my hands shaking with my addiction to her soul. other mans touch tales with dope degrees. heroship last offer and the last thing she has on her mind is me. same clown different joke , the same one she keeps playing on me without even telling me a punchline. she so fucked up right now and i want her in my life?time to get rid of the chump. i’ll text you when im  done. im done, nigga you was done a grip ago. fool.