Sometimes I think I feed off “hurting”.

He told me he loved me. I can’t imagine why. He has to be a) really desperate, b) lying to me for some reason [alternative motive?], c) unsure of what love is, or d) stupid.

Sure, I like him. But, I can’t say that I love him.

We’ve been talking for about a month and most of it is surface conversation. He is on his way to meet me as we speak. He will be in town around 3 am.

I would much rather be meeting someone else at 3 am… DC. DC. DC. Stuck in my head.
Face.
Art.
Music.
Words.
Everything about…

I have a feeling this might be a hello/nice to meet you/goodbye type of meeting. Same with his whole visit.
To be honest, I think I have this thing going on with my relationships. I want someone sooo bad.. but when I get someone, they just aren’t good enough. They don’t do this, they do this and and I don’t like it, they don’t do this…I don’t even want this… etc.

SM doesn’t listen to me. He wants to see me, but he doesn’t care much for what I have to say. He wants to tell me about himself. He wants to show me his…. he wants.. he wants.. he wants….

I want to be desired, of course, but that’s not the only thing. I want to be listened to. I want to have a meaningful conversation. I want someone who understands me, and who I understand. That’s not him.

I don’t want you out of my head. I like you there.

Once you’re ready to find me… I’ll be ready.

I’ve been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
Painted faces, fill the places I cant reach

You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you, And all you know, And how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street

You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night, while you live it up, I’m off to sleep
Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat
I hope it’s gonna make you notice
I hope it’s gonna make you notice

Someone like me
Someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody

I’ve been roaming around,
Always looking down at all I see

Gee R2 sweating being the COA , that’s not like you. Ok Rach  is right, I haven’t blogged in a while.  Really just in my own head right now writing a lot but not posting to much.  I have some of debugging to do, and I have a couple ideas about some new web stuff. The new job has come and gone, surprise surprise, couple people have gone too it seems. My writing is coming along maybe enough to finally finish killing my home girl. Who knows , that style takes so much out of me when I write. I love that about writing, when you pour yourself into something and work very hard to convey to the reader the precise emotion you want them to feel, your body just feels like you have run 10 miles. That’s the way it is for me anyway.
Broken came over last night and watched a movie with me. I don’t remember the name of it, it was decent. Just a random thought, she wasn’t in it, does anyone else find Renee Zellweger like really unattractive ? Her face just looks like it got pinched in a asshole sideways or something.The little one is MIA, but shes around and still writing , that’s all I really care about. I want good things for her.
For the life of me , last night I worked a huge joke out with a few other bits last night and fuck if I forgot it. My mind just goes at night when Im trying to sleep. I like that as of late its more about what Im trying to do with my life, my writing , comedy, next step for good money. Thinking about getting back into cooking full time. Who the fuck knows. I hate being in these life shallow points. I know something will pop properly, just when. I have to not get sidetracked due to being lonely. LB has kinda hit the bricks as well…odd how that happens. But another is trying to return. How to avoid getting involved to deep is another issue all together. You have to have personal relationships. I think I expect to much of people. Selfish I guess , I mean to expect people to act if they know how to treat other people. I’m not always the best at treating people well. But I put forth the effort and do good things when I can for people. Good Karma right. I know that is true , like the other night I was out at a bar…went home with someone I used to know back in the day. Omaha is so small. I had had a few to drink really wasn’t watching what I was spending. So when I left her place. I got down the road, to go call a cab. My phone dead. When I stopped at the QT station to call I realized I only had like 10 bucks, oh fuck and Im a LOOONG way from home and drunk @ 2 am. I get myself a hot dog and a Code Red , well ok a doughnut too. Ate that ,smoked a bowl and away I went, 6 miles or so into the trip I see a cab drop off someone at a gas station. Im near downtown and all I was worried about was the bridge over the river. I say to the Somali cab guy…” hey man I got stranded I have 5 bucks , can you get me across the river to CB, just over the bridge. 5 is all I have. ” He looks at me and his ugly mug coulda been the light of christ when he said. ” You were honest with me I will take you.” You know that guy took me to my front door. I was home and in bed within 15 min of meeting the guy. So Omar, thanks dude for the fucking ride and not being an asshole.  Good Karma.  The giving the extra couple bucks to the street musician, the 5 bucks to the guy in the shelter with his kids, telling him where to find work, buying a homeless guy lunch (not giving him cash). I will say this again and again. Take a pause for the cause. Karma will come back, good or bad.

When she stares at your mouth
[ Smile crookedly and make her look at your eyes wondering ]

When she’s quiet
[ Stroke her hair ]

When she ignores you
[ Ask what the emergency is ]

When she pulls away
[ Pin her down ]

When you see her at her worst
[ Help her find her way back to her best ]

When you see her start crying
[Wait for her to finish before continuing ]

When you see her walking
[ Let her know that she pleases you with the way she moves ]

When she’s scared
[ Hold her tight and tell her to trust you ]

When she steals your favorite hat
[ Make her wear it naked ]

When she teases you
[ Enjoy it ]

When she doesn’t answer for a long time
[ Make sure she's still conscious ]

When she looks at you with doubt
[ Smile softly and let her know it will be okay ]

When she says that she likes you
[ask "like me to do what?"]

When she grabs at your hands
[ Find a good pair of cuffs ]

When she bumps into you;
[ laugh and slap her butt ]

When she tells you a secret
[ tell her one back ]

When she looks at you in your eyes
[ Move closer so she can smell your scent ]

When she says it’s over
[ Ask if she's sure ]

I know I have read a couple versions of this but I liked this one.

I feel like something’s not right about this.